I can relate.

As someone who has never seen a techno gadget or software he didn't like, I've wasted hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars and plenty of time on stuff I didn't need, didn't like, couldn't use, didn't know how to use or that flat-out didn't work.

And the thing is, I think I'm pretty typical. Most people I know ­-- (OK, guys, because guys are, by and large, the gizmo freaks;­ women are just too sensible) ­-- have a tech Titanic or two in their past.

When Web TV first made its appearance, my friend Skitch was among the first on his block to sign up. After all, the concept seemed so cool. Use your TV as a Web surfer/e-mail program? Excellent! As a devout sports junkie, he figured he might never have to move once his twin passions ­-- watching sports on TV and reading about sports online -- joined as one.

The reality, of course, was different. He found Web TV screens difficult to scroll around (no mouse). The pages were too small. He didn't like, as it turns out, sitting in his La-Z-Boy and typing e-mails across the room on his awkward little keyboard. Not that the experience was horrible. It just wasn't the same as using a dedicated computer. So within a few months, he was back to sitting in front of his Dell.

And me? I have tech disasters too numerous to mention, from early digital cameras that, well, sucked, to the Great Printer Cartridge Replacement Kit Disaster of '98. (But that's another column. And a new bathroom floor.)

Here's one, though. I've had a little Web cam staring at me from atop my monitor for two years now. It's not hooked up, and hasn't been for a few weeks shy of two years.

I bought it after seeing one in action on Tech TV's "Screensavers" program. (Damn it's siren-like allure!) Sure, the images of audience members reciting the lead-ins for the program from their home computers looked grainy and awful. And sure the images faltered, skipped and stalled so badly that most of the people ended up looking as if they were broadcasting from Mars. But, man, how cool would it be to sit in your bedroom (which is where my computer is) and beam your face ... anywhere! Visions of Jetsons-like videophone conversations with Web-cammed buddies danced in my head.

So I plunked down my money, brought home my Web cam, loaded the software and ... nothing. Turns out that to have a videophone conversation with your buddies online, your buddies also have to have Web cams and know how to use them.

Few of my friends did. And the ones who did were too stupid to figure out how to get them working reliably. (If your friends are anything like my friends, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) Once and only once, a buddy and I got our Web cams correctly linked through Microsoft's Netmeeting. Here's what transpired:

Me (looking at his image): "Hey, is this cool or what?"

Him (looking at my image): "What?"

Me: "I said is this cool or what?"

Him: "Totally. Can you-you-you-you be-be-be-believe how advanced-vanced-vanced technology has be-be-be- (image freezing, long moments of fiddling, reboot)

I haven't used it since. Nowadays, if I want to communicate with someone, I send that person an e-mail. If I need to talk to them, I use what we like to call a "telephone." Ease and reliability are slowly becoming my watchwords when it comes to tech toys.

I still get all trembly when new products come out. And occasionally I still jump in before something has proven its worth. For instance, I was one of several hundred thousand people worldwide who were there Day One last year when World War II Online debuted, which means I was also one of hundreds of thousands who spent that day ­and many moons thereafter rebooting, re-signing on and re-cursing the makers of that sorry, sorry piece of computer hell. (Although I hear these days it's working fine.) (Must. Resist. Temptation ...)

But I'm getting better. I've summoned all my strength not to sign up for a cable modem, not because cable connections don't work reliably, but because I know, deep down, that the price will eventually come down to a sane level someday, and I can wait. I've also resisted flat-screens (my beige box still works fine), instant messaging (again, if I want to communicate instantly with someone I use the telephone), blogs (I don't want to know your innermost thoughts and you DEFINITELY don't want to know mine). I've resisted, to my utter amazement, PDAs. (I'm too disorganized to use an organizer.) And I've even held off getting myself one of those neat-o handheld computer/cell phone/PDA/microwave ovens (hey, it'll happen -- trust me).

But it hasn't been easy. Ha ha. Just the other day I noticed an especially cool one at Best Buy. A good bargain, too. It had this cool interface and a digital screen that ...

THWIP!

(Editor's note: The column ends there. Apparently the writer's wife was once again forced to resort to the tranquilizer gun that she bought for just such occasions.)

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