First off, the family here at OneUpU would like to thank you for your purchase of the OneUpU All-in-One C130Z Color Scanner, Copier, Printer and Coffee Grinder, all for the retail price of only $249. We would also like to thank you for returning the manufacturer's $50-off coupon that came with your purchase. Unfortunately, the coupon and qualifying materials you submitted did not meet our qualifications for a refund under the terms of the fine print of our agreement. Had you had on hand a magnifying glass capable of resolving 2pt print, we might not have had to reject your application for a refund for the following reasons:

1. As clearly stated, your purchase had to be made between 10 and 11 am on Saturday, February 16, 2002. Unfortunately, your purchase was made between 10 and 11 am Central Standard Time and OneUpU, located in Redmond, Washington, operates under Pacific Standard Time. We regret any confusion our wording may have caused.

2. Again as specifically stated, we asked that you enclose a copy of your proof-of-purchase receipt, not the original as you did here. If you would like your original receipt returned for any reason, please contact Customer Service between the hours of 4:30 and 5pm PST. Punch in your 12-digit product serial number and your original 16-digit CD key number located on the installation CD that shipped with your OneUpU All-in-One C130Z. The serial number itself is located on the inside of the RAM upgrade access plate on the bottom of the C130Z, easily accessible by standing the 70-pound unit on its side, unplugging the USB cable and removing the four Torq screws at each corner. Be advised that the use of a non-Torq screwdriver may void your 30-day product warranty, never mind stripping the heads of the screws themselves.

3. You were also requested to include a copy of the UPC bar code from the original product packaging, to be removed by box cutters, not pinking shears as you did. Again, you included the original. If, for any reason, you would like the latter returned, please see Note 2 above and contact Customer service between 5 and 5:30pm PST. Please have your 22-digit Customer ID number handy.

4. In order to qualify for OneUpU's $50 cash refund, you were also required to postmark your return between 2 and 3pm on Monday, February 18, 2002. The fact that this turned out to be President's Day in some areas of the country is neither the fault nor the responsibility of OneUpU or any of its affiliates. You may want to contact the Post Office and/or your local congressperson to complain. Or visit OneUpU's user-friendly Web site, where you will learn no more than what we've just told you here, albeit with lots of colorful graphics attached.

5. You also failed to fill out some of the Personal Information data OneUpU requested. Some of these fields are optional, but others are required in order that OneUpU may better serve its customers' needs. Among OneUpU's required data fields, you neglected to mention whether your first born was a male, and, if so, whether he was circumcised or not.

OneUpU does not share any data obtained from its customers and users, with the sole of exception of Microsoft, and only then because we have no choice if we want to continue to exist as a relatively independent entity. For more information about our Privacy Policy, please visit our web site. If you're a first-time visitor, just type Circumsion in the Password box and hit Enter. (Note that all passwords are case sensitive.) If that doesn't work, you might try double-clicking.

6. Finally, in order to comply with our coupon policy, OneUpU specifically requested that the purchase of your All-in-One C130Z not only meet all of the above requirements in order to assure a $50 cash refund, but also stipulated that your purchase be made while standing on your head. We have reviewed the videotape file you submitted with your coupon (as well as the store's in-house surveillance cameras) and are forced to conclude that you never once left your feet. In addition, you also failed the breath analyzer test administered at the time of check out. And it would appear that your driver's license has expired. (Are you sure that's a picture of you and not someone else, or has your hair just prematurely turned gray?)

Again, we here at OneUpU appreciate your purchase of our product and look forward to serving you in the future. Visit our Web site regularly for additional special sales and coupon savings!

Sincerely
Janet Justice
Marketing & Refunds
OneUpU, Inc.

Dennis Stacy is a free-lance writer living in San Antonio

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